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Let's face it kids, you all missed the fatty fat fatty, did you not?

As you all know, today is (part of) Fat Tuesdayweek.  I'm sure there's some of you out there trying to get in shape, or already superior physical specimens out there saying to yourselves today, "Oh dear lordy bee, I had me-self a half a paczki and I feel soo bay-ad."  Meanwhile in America's High Five State, a man is running the gauntlet of every bad food he can tap into for the week before the clock strikes midnight and Lent begins, and it's all over for him (and running season seems to truly begin). 

Sure, I've had a good start to the year, but Fat Tuesday is a tradition, so I'm sticking with it.  A few years ago, I started stretching it out to a week Tuesday-Tuesday, because trying to fit all my favorite horrible things into one day is impossible and digestively aggravating.  Let's see what's on the board...

February 14th/7th Annual FVD Holiday Extravaganza
This requires a back-story.  I'll try to be brief.  In 2006, I got tired of being depressed on Valentine's Day.  The 14th is dad's death anniversary (2003), so if I wasn't alone on that day, usually my sh*tty attitude would make it so, and after already doing it twice, I wasn't about to just let that cloud hang over my head for life.  I called up a couple single bros and left them voicemails basically saying, screw (we used a more vulgar word) the holiday for making single people feel like a group of society's defectives and making us cower in our homes, let's go out to the bar.  We went out to the loft, we owned that bar for that night (much like we owned any bar in those days), and thus began FVD and this idea that we were the "undisputed 'Kings' of this town." 

Now that we're old, and that title has passed, two things from that night still remain:  the pledge that we'd celebrate together on that day, single or not, and not bail on our friends and when we say goodbye, we count the number of us out on our hands in unison and throw those fingers up on the top of our heads as a crown.  I think initially it started off as a cynical anti-love thing for a few of us, but it's grown into more of an inclusive thing that everyone looks forward to.  My wife secretly still gets her flowers, and dinner, and she gets drinks of top of it.  We usually end up doing more with our friends that night than we'd ever do by ourselves.  I think it's become a really nice tradition, and, no, we're not out trying to ruin anything for you mushy couples...it's never been about that, even though you may look over and realize we're having more fun than you.  Also we've made matching T-Shirts since the 2nd one, which usually turns out to be either awesome or a total nightmare.  This is because we never plan a thing ahead ever, and get the whole thing, including the design, together after work.

2012 Logo

My Wife's FVD card to me. It pretty much ruled my universe, much like her.

Anyway, chalk me up for a huge burger at Ashley's in Ann Arbor (first time we took this show outside of Flint or Detroit).  They have half the world on tap so I had a St. Feuilliien/Green Flash Biere De L'Amitie , two Founders All Day IPAs, and a Primordial Porter.  Then I finished up my shoestring fries with my wasabi sauce.

Feb. 15th
Hello buy one get one BK Chicken sandwich...two original please...

Feb 16th
I forgot and I ate healthy...stupid, stupid, stupid

Feb 17th
BK chicken again, originals again.  Ate both slow enough to realize they now taste a little like ground cardboard.  Then some night time rice krispie treats made by yours truly.

Feb 18th
It was my last pre-Lent chance to test this Five Guys place.  I still have never been to one and there was one within striking distance of the beer run my wife and I were on.  So we stopped and each of us got a burger and split a fry and a diet Barq's.  Cajun fries are good, but nothing you can't make at home, and the burgers are good, but it's about the same as a Halo Burger only thinner and taller.

Cajun

After the Five Guys, we had our "Super Boris Funtime Party," watching Russian-themed movies while trying to purge the excess wedding vodka.  We managed to kill a bottle of Smirnoff, and drank a few Russian/Ukrainian beers that we realized had been expired for over a year but bought anyway.  The beer store must not move Russian beer too often.  I also realized I may have missed my calling as a bartender.

Small Carnage

Feb 19th
Sunday was Lucky's with my wife, brother, and sister for lunch.  So it was chicken parmesan, side of alfredo, and a lot of Dr. Peppers.

Then I picked up some Kroger Jammed Cookie Dough ice cream later that night.
Feb 20th
I finally had my first Taco Bell of the year.  24 total layers of burrito (two 7's, two beefy 5's)

Then, for dinner, it was time to raise the red roof...

My wife, her dad, and I destroyed a large onion and green pepper pizza, 22 wings, and a 5 piece breadstick.  Oh, and then a few hours later I knocked out a package of pizza rolls.

Fat Tuesday
After yesterday I couldn't even think about eating until maybe noon.  I've since made up some ground, and here comes the grand finale:

*Finalized Results*
2 Bavarian Creme Paczkis
1 16" Big John Steak and Cheese
A 5 mile run with Jason........wait, what the hell?  Didn't you just eat a lot of food?  Yes, but I am not human.
2 McDoubles
10 piece Chicken Nugget
2 pints of ale
48 oz of Coca-Cola
1 giant size Mallo Cup 4 pack
1 Raspberry Paczki
2 Tater Tots (yep just two)
A handful of gumballs
1 12 oz bottle Founders Dirty Bastard

...and that's it for the time being.  I will update if there's any more, but I feel semi-pregnant and there is no room at the food inn, so I figured I'd write you all and give you the food collapse that you all so missed.  Especially since this year I'm going to get very serious and snap back into gear tomorrow, when I magically turn into a very healthy, helpful, and contributing individual.  I also tend to enter what the Brewers called "Beast Mode" last year about this time.  First up on the hit list is probably the Corktown Race.  I will see you all on the other side.

Oh, and Friday we're going to bring home our Corgi puppy.  His name is "Renfield."

Renfield two weeks ago

Sustenance vs. Sustenance

Since the start of the year, things have been going well, I must say.  I'm losing some of the honeymoon/holiday weight I gained.  I've managed to sucker myself into a small strength training regimen twice a week.  I'm still running outside here and there despite the snow, ice, and creepy footprints in the snow that look just like mine only going exactly the opposite way.  Either I'm sleep running my route backwards or I have a shoe doppleganger (or just a regular doppleganger).  All I know is that if I see him in a mirror, I'm not going to any theatre shows for a while.

Anyway, none of this has any connection to where I thought I was going with this entry.  My point is that I've been really damn good.  So good that I can't remember the last time I pulled into a Taco Bell, and whenever I think about doing so I have some sort of internal dialogue about it.  It usually goes something like this:

Fat Brent:  OOOOOHHH!  Taco Bell!

Fit Brent:  I know you love it, but it's not good for you and it will never love you back.  You know I'm right.

Fat Brent:  I know...

Fit Brent:  Besides, if Taco Bell really loved you, it would have never taken away it's Black Jack Taco in the first place.

Instead, I've been mostly making a lunch.  The few times I have stepped out and grabbed something, it's mostly been that Chipotle Chicken and Cheese on Flatbread over at Subway.  I swear a few years back I never went there, but since NBC's "Chuck" began brainwashing me with their shameless product placement that has changed.  Only two episodes left, so you guys better send something that will be permanently lodged in my brain and have a subliminal trigger that sends me to Subway every once in a while.

Miranda...

Again, not my point, not my point at all that I can get some toasted onions and green pepper with pepper jack cheese on it and then I'll load it up with some lettuce, tomato, olives, banana and jalapeno peppers, and just a dash of hot sauce in addition to the chipotle southwest sauce.  It's also most definitely not my point that it is somehow an orgasm for my brain.

"I eat 3 a day to help keep me strong"

Luckily that's not something that is too horrible for me food-wise, but you see where this is going, though.  The amount of chemical reward I can get from food is crazy sometimes.  So crazy it makes me wonder how long I can sit with my finger in the dam like it is now.  Can I really sustain a long-term healthy year?  That's the million dollar question for me right now.

I'm having some weird food-related thoughts that I would equate to the type of thoughts drug users have when they try to get clean.  I've caught myself fantasizing about mainlining all the remaining eggnog at Meijer.  If it's not that, in my head I'm building a fort of empty White Castle sleeves from a crave case and leading an army of fries through a moat made of chocolate shake to storm the castle.  I've even thought about a calzone the size of a sleeping bag that I could crawl into and eat my way out, or just be born in it like an egg or a pod as it provided the nutrients I needed to grow within it and emerge ready for the outside world.  I'm sorry, but that's just messed up.

When it's not bad foods it's just the sad truth that it's nearly impossible for me to not still be hungry, even when I'm eating things that are good for me and are allegedly filling.  I have some light speed digestion going on, nothing sticks for long, and if it's possible to eat celery to the point where you could actually gain weight, I think I could manage to do it (but won't because my wife finds celery to be kind of disgusting).  However I do think I could round up enough if I save the frozen celery I pick out of frozen stir fry veggies for her.  Sorry celery, sorry you're dying for nothing.

I guess I just know getting down to a weight where I feel I can also handle that 26.2 is going to be hard for me.  I know it's still possible getting there where I'm at weight-wise, but I don't want to do that.  I want to make it easier on me, my legs, and my heart, and who can blame me?  It's not like I want to go out running with two heavy dumbbells strapped to me, and knowing how much extra baggage you're carrying is really eye-opening.  How hard it is doesn't change the fact it needs to be done.  I realize it's not going to be easy for me, and there's a lot of rewiring I need to do with my brain and body before I can be successful.  

One wire at a time, though.  I just have to make sure I pull the right wires or this Bavarian Creme bomb will go off, and then the only thing I can do to save the city is smother it with my open mouth...